A charter for real-world feminists

We don't hate men, we're all human, we all have rights

I'm standing at the bar in conversation with two friends, one male, one female. I'm speaking. Another man joins the group and immediately starts talking to my male friend. He is all smiles and bonhomie, but his jolly remarks about Spurs - accompanied by a dig in the ribs - are intended for one pair of ears only.

My friend looks at us in embarrassment and raises his eyebrows.

Maybe the interloper doesn't know who we, the women, are - even though we have worked together for decades.

Fair enough. We all work on different continents, we communicate by telephone or email. But he is not sufficiently interested to seek an introduction. His face is familiar, but I need reminding who he is - after he has gone.

For his is a fleeting visit, a wasp buzzing into a happy group, causing temporary disruption before flying away.

I have acted in this scene hundreds of times. The characters and their number change, but there is one constant: It is always a man who interrupts a woman to take over the conversation and he invariably speaks to one of the men in the circle. One variation is when the incomer is more important than everyone else. Of course he doesn't mean to be rude, but he's busy and he has to grab this chap this minute before  flying off to the next TV interview or to talk to the Prime Minister.

Sorry. There are two constants. Whatever the 'reason' for this behaviour, it's always bloody rude.  Have these men never heard of the phrase 'Excuse me'?

So what should a woman do at such a time?
Back down?
Smile sweetly and say 'Hello, we haven't been introduced. I'm Jane, I was just telling David...'?
Scowl and demand 'Don't you think it's a bit rude to talk over someone like that'?
Or shout across the room: 'Have you seen this sexist f***wit? What the hell makes him think he has the right to barge in like Americans in Iraq? Come and back me up sisters, down with the patrimony'?

I tend to go for the silent disdainful glower (which is patently ineffective). Yes, I'm a coward. But I also think that life is too short to sweat the small stuff. Stand up for your rights, but don't fight attitudes you will never change.

Social sexism is irritating, annoying, cringe-making, blood-boiling. But it isn't going to kill anyone. Most sensible people - male and female - see it for the anachronism that it is.

My friend's raised eyebrows said everything. I also know that any of my male friends would have felt the same discomfort. Some - but certainly not all - might make jokes like 'what do you girlies know about football?' But that is what they are, jokes. We 'girlies' could equally say 'what do you boys know about handbags and shoes?'

When the iron gives up the ghost while the other half is in Sainsbury's, I text and ask him to buy a new one. He returns, hands me the box and says 'Happy Christmas, darling.' I reply 'Sexist arsehole.'

It's a healthy relationship. I do the ironing. He does the shopping. I do the cleaning. He does the cooking. I tend the flower (weed) borders and hack through the undergrowth. He sits on the mower and plays with power tools. He looked after the baby, I went to work. It's called a partnership.

Every marriage has its own dynamic and I appreciate my good fortune. Too many women  are downtrodden, misused or beaten by their husbands.

Attrition in the jobs market has taken a disproportionate toll on women. Many are being returned to their 'place' in the home, leaving the family short of money and the woman without the personal income that brings independence of spirit. A few have blossomed, found their entrepreneurial side and started cottage industries or founded websites. Far more have been consigned to a life of household chores and juggling family finances, a prospect so dreary for some that there are dozens of applicants for the lowest-paid part-time local admin jobs.

Then there are the thousands of women who live in fear of their fathers, husbands, brothers, sons. Women who are routinely beaten and/or raped in the one place that should be their sanctuary - their home.

Back in the world of paid work, women are still being denied the opportunity to use and express their talent. The law may prohibit discrimination, but it remains the case in practice that a woman needs to be much better than her male counterpart to win that job, promotion. challenge. It doesn't help that women cannot stand in a row shooting the breeze with the men when they need to relieve themselves.

All of these issues are important and need to be addressed - not simply by women marching in the street, but by men who must also speak up for equality and denounce mistreatment. More and more are doing so, but there are still not enough of them.

Which brings us to the dreaded F word.

To declare your feminism in the Seventies was to invite sneers and putdowns such as 'You're not one of those bra-burners, are you?' Now people are saying the same thing again - because a certain breed of feminist is stealing a disproportionate amount of attention, rather as UKIP is in the political arena. This brand of feminism is strident and intolerant.

As many Twitter users have learnt the hard way, question one and suddenly your timeline is full of  a dozen strange names telling you that you don't get the point and that you need to rethink your attitude. Then before you know it, they are having a full-blown discussion about some heinous crime perpetrated by someone you've never heard of - on your timeline.

Men who dare to venture into the debate - even to offer support and encouragement - are subjected to such foul-mouthed vitriol that it's little wonder that they now see feminists as screeching harpies.

Well I just want to say that we aren't. We all want to see the world a better place. We all want to see justice for women who are abused and victimised and taunted.

We don't all believe that we live in a patriarchy where women are deliberately done down. We don't all hate men. We don't all see AID as preferable to the conventional means of procreation. Indeed, dare I say it, some of us actually enjoy the latter.

Of course we shouldn't be complacent, of course we should try to make a difference and to work against injustice and inequality. But we have to live in the world as it is, not as we would wish it to be.

Of course we shouldn't appease or tolerate sexist men; we must stand up, show them for the idiots they are and change attitudes and preconceptions. We can also shout out about domestic violence, groping on the Tube and fight corporate discrimination. These are all offensive to all rational people. Women do not have the monopoly on indignation, and not all men are bastards.

Men and women have to live and work side by side and there is no profit to be gained by stoking up a gender war that can only make matters worse.

In my naivety, I have always believed feminism to be about equality and fair treatment for all. So, in the search for like minds, I offer below a draft philosophy for real-world feminists. If you feel the 'feminazis' are taking over, please speak out and share your thoughts.

To enjoy male and female company equally

Treat everyone you encounter - male or female, senior or subordinate - with courtesy and respect.

It is a courtesy or a compliment, not patronising, to be given flowers, to be helped with your coat and to have doors held open. Women are also capable of opening doors for men and should definitely stand their round.

There are some basic differences in what interests men and women.

It is fact, not fantasy, that women are more interested in clothes and fashion and that men are more interested in aggressive sports and machinery. This does not mean there is no crossover - of course we should have women engineers and male nurses.

Stereotyping by neanderthal buffoons needs to be challenged; ironic stereotyping in a jokey social situation needs to be laughed off.

Gentle teasing often works better than righteous indignation in preventing or curing sexism.

It is not necessary to do men down to build women up. Women need to stand up and make their case articulately and reasonably.

Women lag behind men in the 'old boys' network' field and should encourage each other to advance professionally through networking organisations.

When they do achieve positions of authority, women should beware of pulling up the ladder, leaving their sisters dangling.

Positive discrimination and quotas don't work and breed hostility.

Employers need to look at the balance of their workforce: men who appoint clones of themselves to every executive position are not only sexist, but stupid. Everyone in business needs to hear a counter view from the inside.

Banners and protests should be saved for issues that really matter: fighting against domestic violence and oppression; fighting for equal pay and equal opportunities

And remember: you can't be equal if you ask for special treatment.

My favourite cartoon of all time was a pocket cartoon (possibly by Matt Pritchett) of a protester holding a banner and leading a group of people in everyday dress.

The banner said 'March of the moderates'.
The demonstrators were chanting: 'What do we want?'
'Gradual change'
'When do we want it?'
'In due course'

It's time to move faster than that - but we don't have to be nasty in striving for change.